Logjam

Posted: April 15, 2015 in Uncategorized

It’s that part of the semester when I start to feel crowded out of my own life. Even things that are important to me can get in the way of quiet, reflective time alone that is as vital to my health as water. So today, before I jump into all the other things, I’m taking a moment for this, for me, and then I’ll go for a little run (although I have to get back into shape more before running will get really fun again — it’s still good for clearing my head, though).

It’s been too long, and I’ve been feeling the pressure build lately, the logjam of thoughts. Too long means it’s such a jumble that I’m just going to try to clear some away; the sense of the remaining parts might come later. It’s full of pieces and ambiguities, so, yeah.

A few days ago I stood up for myself to someone whose words and actions had been causing me discomfort, and I tried to do so with as much grace and compassion as possible. I think I did okay. Anymore, I often ask myself, “What is the brave thing to do?” and then “What’s the kind thing?” and try to act accordingly.

Sometimes we need to grieve, even when a lot of time has passed. Even when we thought we were over it. Sometimes the mind is a time traveler back to when the wound was fresh, and we just have to deal with that feeling and ourselves honestly. A couple days ago I said another last goodbye to someone I’ll always love.

Sometimes the days I push through when I start out just wanting to eat a bunch of pizza and curl up back in bed turn out to be among my better teaching days.

Last night, I dreamt that someone who had given me up wanted me back. Confusing.

I squeezed in 15 minutes of yoga and basic strength exercises before showering up and getting ready for work yesterday and felt better for it, though I was also frustrated it was all the time I could spare, since I had so much work I had to do before appointments with my students started.

I can’t find my aviators. I want them. Ugh. Other sunglasses are just not me.

Piles of clean clothes. Sewing project. Video games. Dishes. Bike. Next steps. Baseball games. Planning a baby shower. Repotting plants. Et cetera. Et cetera.

There are plenty of things I do and don’t like about my job. Being able to start my day slowly much of the time is one of the best things.

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